Coming to the end of twenty fourteen kind of feels like "thank, God, I made it".
You might not believe me when I say this has been the hardest year of my adult life.
When you see my posts here and there on Facebook and Instagram they are mostly positive or about good things but remember that internet lives are not the whole story. My thoughts about this may change someday but right now I'm alright with only showing mostly good things through social media. However, I would be lying if I said there weren't times I wished I could share the hard. I haven't shared as much because I'm truly afraid that if I start it will be hard to stop. Or it will only look like I'm complaining. Which I probably would be. I don't keep the hard to myself to make it seem like my life is perfect but rather to avoid extra damage to my already too sensitive heart.
So, with these thoughts I'll just say that this year was not what I expected it to be....it was so, so hard.
When the new year started it felt full of possibilities and I was blissfully happy with my three week old baby, my twins, and my husband. Circumstances can change so much. And I've let my circumstances steal my joy, my life, and my hope. Too many times my heart has felt tortured and lifeless. I've let my mind stay in a place that's unforgiving of self and let it wreck my self esteem to some extent. I wish I could say that I've found a way out of the dark hole I've let myself sink to but I don't think I'm there yet. Filling myself with good. Reading things that uplift. Prayer. Yet, I remain here in this place. A place of hopelessness.
And yet, even in all of this hopelessness I know somewhere inside of me that there is hope. It's a constant battle within myself between knowing the truth and feeling desperate anyway. So much about my life has not turned out the way I thought it would. Most things are for the better. Some things feel like "what happened? how did I get here? Seriously, what happened?" I have said for years that I never wanted to come back to this town to live and yet here I am. Here we are. Don't get me wrong, I love that we are so close to family now. That part has been nice. However, even with that I haven't felt this alone in a long time. Even the short time we lived in Houston and I knew no one, I still didn't feel alone like this. Being back though, my husband doesn't seem to need me as much, my kids have other people (this is good though), and I am left feeling unneeded and without my best friend. All the tears cried. Time wasted. Life not lived. Twenty fourteen, I have never been so happy to see you go.
I know that a new year is not the answer. It doesn't fix anything. Time is just moving onward.
Yet, I feel sparks of hope again with the prospect of the new year. And that is something.
So, in all my rambling thoughts there is this one thought that I shared all of this to get to. I'm tired. I feel like the new year is bringing some kind of rest. Bringing some peace. Bringing hope. I am looking forward to working towards some goals. Like reading more, making sure I get enough sleep, taking better care of myself, both physically and mentally. This is my last year in my twenties and I know time will go on after I turn thirty but it's hard to embrace the inevitable while feeling like you haven't accomplished all that you wanted to during the last decade. My resolve for this year is to make it one of my best. To work towards my better life, to be brave, to find my hope again, to see the awesome in my life again.
I am so ready for this year. A seemingly fresh start. My 29th year.
Hugs to you, friends, and cheers to a bright new year ahead! Hello 2015!